Controlling Thoughts

Anxiety=Attempting to control my surroundings, people, and actions while sacrificing myself

The more that I tried to be in control, the more anxiety I had. The urge to control would literally spin my mind out of control, but I never really looked at it that way until now. Isn't it interesting how God just continues to open that door just a little wider each time? He waits until I am ready to see the knowledge that He has for me. He waits until He knows that I can grasp what He is trying to teach me.

I never really thought of myself as a controlling person, but in reality I was extremely controlling. That was how I made sense of my world. The urge to be in control of everything links back to a time when I was controlled by someone. As a result, I have spent the better part of my life trying to maintain some sort of control over every aspect of my life so that I could find peace. I never wanted to be caught off-guard again, so I became compulsive. I over-planned so that I would always be prepared for the unexpected. The result and pressure of always being in control has led to my demise.

This is all like a new revelation to me. It is like I am seeing it all for the very first time. It makes me sad to think that the answers were so easily in my grasp, but I wasn't ready to accept the truth until now. It was like dangling a treat in front of a dog and jerking it away really fast so that they have to reach and stretch harder each time to try to get it. But slowly, ever so slowly, God keeps moving the knowledge and information closer and closer to me so that I don't have to stretch or reach so hard. He is spoon-feeding me ever so slowly so that I have time to absorb and really accept all of the knowledge that He is giving me. What a merciful God we have! I can see now that He has protected me all of these years. I wasn't ready to face the past. I wasn't ready to really feel. I wasn't ready to live each day like it were my last. I was stuck. I was downtrodden. I became broken. It wasn't until I became broken that He lifted me out of the depths and has started to do a real work inside of me. He has given me the vision so that I can clearly see. The answers are all there for me. It isn't an unsolvable puzzle. It begins with faith.

Faith=letting go of the control.
Faith=letting go of the fear.
Faith=believing in something unseen that becomes reality.

The opposite of faith is fear. Without faith, we live in fear. It is that simple.I had someone close to me tell me this over a year ago. I didn't want to really believe what they were telling me. I didn't like what they had to say because it was the truth. I didn't want to admit that I lacked faith. I didn't want to be less than. I was ashamed that this was the path that I was on. I was angry because they dared to tell me what I needed to hear. Over the last year, I have thought about those six words, over and over again---The opposite of faith is fear. I was convicted. God brought me to a place where He said, "Trust me. Be still and know that I am God. Let go and let me be in control. Let me create a beautiful work within you."

It has taken great courage and trust to "Let Go and Let God". I have just now began to let go of some of the control. I do know that the more I practice letting go of the control, the more my eyes are opened to God's way is always the right way. God is the potter and I am the clay. Mold me and make me what You desire me to be. It is without fear that I speak these words. It is with faith that I am walking a new path. A path that leads me closer to my God, my Savior, my King.

It's About Time

It's about time for a new post, a new blog, a new revelation, a new me.

A friend asked me yesterday,
"Which part of you is the real you:
the quiet, reserved person or the crazy, fun person?"
That question really stopped me in my tracks.
I really couldn't put my finger on who I really was.
It disturbed me that I couldn't really answer the question.
My mind became clouded with thoughts like,
"What would people think of me if I really showed the real me?"
I have always thought I had to put on a show for people to like me.
Would they really want to be around me if I would show my true self?
Do they really want to know what I think about all of the time?
They might find me boring.
They might find me too uninteresting.
They might reject me.

Where does the line between fantasy and reality really begin or end?
Can one exist without the other.
The fantasy in my head keeps me sane.
The feeding of the ego keeps me coming back for more.
How can I come to a place where what I think of me in my head....
is the same as what I think of me on the outside?
That I am ok with myself just the way that I am.
Have I been conditioned to believe a certain way just to survive?
Is it this survival mode that has distorted my true self?
My true being.
The truth.

I have spent the better part of my life searching for something. What is it? I am not even sure what it is. Is it contentment? Is it peace? Is it a new beginning? Is it learning to love? Is it me?

The question that I keep asking myself lately is......Where do I belong? Where do I fit in? I keep praying for God to give me an answer. I feel like I know the answer, but I keep questioning God. I do know in my heart that someway, somehow I am to use my emotional journey to reach out to others. What does it look like? Where do I begin? How do I start? Is it through this blog? Am I willing to risk all the years of protecting myself and put ME out there on the chopping block? Some people won't like it. Some people are too guarded. Will I be shamed? Will I be ridiculed? Will I be shunned? Will I be questioned?

I was in hiding for so long that this feels so uncomfortable. But I do believe that God gets us out of our comfort zone so that other's lives can be changed. I imagine Jesus feeling a little uncomfortable when he knew that someone was going to betray him. But he continued on the path that God laid out before him. He had the reassurance of knowing that God was walking with him every step of the way. Is it my lack of faith that holds me back? Is it the "world" holding me back? Is it my family? Or is it me?

Questions, so many unanswered questions......and with questions come more questions. Am I who I really say or think that I am? Am I really who God wants me to be?

God speaks to my heart.....the answer lies within the covers of a book. The answer lies within the pages of the Book of Life, God's Book, The Holy Bible.
God speaks, "The answer lies within you. I will give you the answers as you need them. I will carry you through. I will be with you every step of the way."

For now, I am waiting. Waiting for God to speak to me and slowly guide me, mold me, shape me into the disciple that he wants me to be.

God speaks...."Be still my child. I am coming back soon. Prepare a place for me. Bring others to me so that they may learn to live. Eternally. For Me and My Glory."

You've Come a Long Way Baby

I came across something that I wrote two years ago, and I thought, "Wow! You have come a long way, baby!" It pained me to read what I wrote. I could feel the pain of the author in the written word. I could feel all of the emotion jump off of the page. As I was reading, I felt so bad for that person. It was raw emotion. It was like an open wound. It was me.

I haven't always kept a journal. I believe that perfectionists have a hard time journaling because they spend their entire time erasing what they have written because it can never be perfect enough. On few occasions I would write without editing...this was one such occasion. What pained me the most was how I really felt about myself. How I felt like a loser. How I could never measure up. How I could never be perfect enough. It pains me to think this was really the life that I lived for so long. I believed every word on that page. I believed that I was unworthy. I believed that I was unlovable. I believed that I was trapped. Here is a reflective poem of going back to read that journal entry and how my life has changed now:


My Belief

I used to believe that I was ugly. Sometimes I still do.
I used to believe that I was going crazy. Sometimes I am still reminded that it might be true.
I used to believe that I was nothing. Sometimes there is a small voice that says it is so.
I used to believe that I was trapped. Sometimes I can't forget that feeling.
I used to believe that I was sick. Sometimes I feel that way again.
I used to believe that I was a failure. Sometimes I still fail.
But that was then, and this is now.
"Don't believe everything you think."

I now believe that there is a beautiful person looking at me in the mirror.
I now believe that we are all a little crazy. That is what makes life interesting.
I now believe that I am something . Nothing cannot exist where there is something.
I now believe that I can open the door. Being trapped is a figment of my own imagination.
I now believe that being authentic is not a sickness, but rather a beautiful thing.
I now believe that I am a success. Failure is not trying at all.
God then spoke to me,
"If I am perfect, and I made you in a perfect image of me, how then, can you say that you are anything less than what I intended for you to be?"
I choose to believe Him.

Just Another Page of Life

How did I get to this place? How did I somehow miss out on life while I was on my journey? What are all of those blank pages about? Why are there only chapter titles and not any stories?

These are all questions I ask myself as I venture out on this journey of healing. I feel like I have been on a time machine and several years of my life have been erased from the memory bank. Sometimes life feels like an eternity and other times it feels like a blink of a second.

Question number one: How did I get to this place? The first word that comes to my mind is denial. I have lived in a state of denial most of my life. I think the reason is because it hurts too much to face reality. If I deny my emotions and feelings long enough, then surely they will go away, and I don't have to face what I know I should. I fear that I won't be able to handle the truth if I open that door. In my mind, I visualize a large wooden door with a lock. Behind that door lies the truth to who I am, what I believe, and how I feel. I have guarded this door all of my life. I have only let it open very few times. When I crack it open just a bit, it is so full of stuff that I am afraid that I cannot get it shut again and it takes all of my strength and energy to close it. What I fear most is that someday the door will begin to rot and stuff will leak out without my knowledge. Also behind that door, I see intense light. Like the light that radiates around Jesus. I think this is the key......He holds the key to my happiness. He holds the key to my heart. He holds the key to all healing.

Question number two: How did I somehow miss out on life while I was on my journey to this place? Obsessions take energy. Period. While I was busy trying to make everything perfect in my life, I missed out on the majority of my children's childhood. I was emotionally unavailable. This makes my heart hurt more than anything. I was so busy trying to stay busy so that I didn't have to feel, there are large gaps of nothingness where there should be memories. I fear that I somehow have damaged my children emotionally because I was unavailable. Every child longs and needs to feel important. Their stability in life is based on this need.....I pray that I have not damaged them beyond repair. Of course, I may be dramatizing this way more than what it is......another obsession for another day.

Question number three: What are all of those blank pages about? The blank pages are the moments in my life that I know there should be something on the page, but all I come up with is nothing. These are the pages of all of the unknowns about why I am the way that I am. What event or circumstance led me to this place? I could continue to bumble through life without trying to fill up those blank pages, but within me is such a strong desire to put understanding to who I am. But in order to fill those blank pages, I have to look very deep into my very core and be really honest with myself. Am I really ready to face the truth? Am I really ready to understand? Am I really ready to take the risk of asking questions of people from my past? It is so much easier to allow that book to stay blank. But I am choosing, very slowly, to turn one page at a time and hopefully at the end I will find a beautiful ending.

Question number four: Why are there only chapter titles and not any stories? I always thought it would be interesting to write a book with just chapter titles and have people then write how they thought the story might be based on that title. Not sure that it would be a best seller though. Who wants to buy a book with just chapter titles? I compare this to how I think emotionally. I am able to handle just bits and pieces of what life hands me. I don't want the entire chapter. I would rather live in my fantasy world and not have to really think about what it is beyond that chapter title. Some of the chapter titles would be, "Larinda is Born", "Larinda is in a Panic", "Larinda is too Sensitive", "Larinda is out of Control".....get the gist? I am thinking that just the titles are all that I can handle emotionally. There is too much pain and emotion attached to the stories.

This is all that I can handle writing about today. I feel like I am on the verge of stepping off of a cliff. Too much, too fast. I feel like someone is going to push me over the edge. Maybe there is the key to why I am literally scared of heights....I feel the same way when I get beyond a place where I feel comfortable. New thoughts for a new day. Until next time.......

More Hope

Thoughts today......As I was pickling beets, dill pickles, and relish, I had a lot of time to ponder about my thoughts. Something I remembered from the class that I took was creative people are the ones most prone to anxiety and depression because of our creative thinking. Our creativity doesn't just flow from our hands, but inwardly our creative energy can dominate our thinking. People with anxiety can conduct an entire orchestra, paint a great painting, or scupt a mountain just in our minds. Our creative thinking can keep us awake for hours and hours. My best creative inspirations always came in the middle of the night after hours of tossing and turning. But there was a flip side, my worst thoughts also would come in the middle of the night. When I was at my absolutely worst, emotionally,I could not sleep more than a few minutes at a time for about two weeks.

Let's talk about sleep. We become so used to the way we do things that we don't think that there can be something better. I never experienced a peaceful night's sleep until about a year ago. 40-some years of not knowing what sleeping peacefully meant. Once I realized how wonderful sleep was, I felt cheated! I was never a good sleeper. The minute I would hit the pillow, my thoughts would start twirling, and I would spend hours trying to go to sleep. When sleep would finally overcome me, it would not be very long until I had to get up and face the day. When I am extremely troubled about something, I will inevitably wake up at 4:00 a.m. This is my cue that there is something bothering me and I need to address it. I've had to learn to listen to the cues that my body is telling me. It takes time to hear what our bodies are telling us because we are not good at listening or slowing down our minds long enough to hear.

My body was screaming at me to slow down, but I didn't understand the language. It was like I was living in a foreign country. In 2000, after my last daughter was born, I battled with the fear that I would wake up in the middle of the night and go to her crib, and she would be dead. Thus began the obsession of checking and rechecking her to make sure that she was breathing. It didn't stop with just her though. I would check her, go to bed, and lay there and wonder if the other girls were breathing. So I would get up and check on them. When I would return to bed, I would then lay my hand on Danny to make sure he was breathing. Then the ritual would start all over again. It would only stop when I would give into the exhaustion. This ritual only lasted a few months, but will flare up now and again when I feel that I am losing control. When the ritual stopped, what happened next was I didn't feel the need to get up and check on my family, but I started waking up each morning feeling like I was choking. I would cough to get rid of the choking feeling for the first two hours upon waking while I was getting ready for school. I always thought I must be allergic to something in the house. What I didn't realize was that when I started dealing with the anxiety and stress in my life, the choking feeling suddenly went away. I realized all of this about two years ago when it dawned on me one morning that I was not coughing anymore. The funny thing was that it took me three months to realize that it had stopped. Now when I start to feel uncontrollable stress and anxiety in my life, that is the first feeling I get in my body is the feeling that someone is choking me. The scary thing is that I feel that way right now as I am writing this because it is so hard for me to put this down on paper.

Healing is a life-long process. I have really missed my group that I was with in Rapid for the past two and a half years. I have really struggled the past month or so because I don't really have anyone who understands what it feels like to be me. Everyone around me wants the quick fix. It is not quick, and it is not easy. I choose to wake up every day and find peace in everyday things. The biggest thing I miss is being able to talk to others about anything without risk of being judged or belittled for the way that I feel. That was the power of the group was that you could talk about anything, I mean anything, and it was ok. When I finally started to put words to how I was feeling, it was the biggest relief to know that the world didn't come crashing down on me. I had the right to feel however I was feeling. It is empowering for me to talk about who I am, what I feel, and how it can be so much better.