How did I get to this place? How did I somehow miss out on life while I was on my journey? What are all of those blank pages about? Why are there only chapter titles and not any stories?
These are all questions I ask myself as I venture out on this journey of healing. I feel like I have been on a time machine and several years of my life have been erased from the memory bank. Sometimes life feels like an eternity and other times it feels like a blink of a second.
Question number one: How did I get to this place? The first word that comes to my mind is denial. I have lived in a state of denial most of my life. I think the reason is because it hurts too much to face reality. If I deny my emotions and feelings long enough, then surely they will go away, and I don't have to face what I know I should. I fear that I won't be able to handle the truth if I open that door. In my mind, I visualize a large wooden door with a lock. Behind that door lies the truth to who I am, what I believe, and how I feel. I have guarded this door all of my life. I have only let it open very few times. When I crack it open just a bit, it is so full of stuff that I am afraid that I cannot get it shut again and it takes all of my strength and energy to close it. What I fear most is that someday the door will begin to rot and stuff will leak out without my knowledge. Also behind that door, I see intense light. Like the light that radiates around Jesus. I think this is the key......He holds the key to my happiness. He holds the key to my heart. He holds the key to all healing.
Question number two: How did I somehow miss out on life while I was on my journey to this place? Obsessions take energy. Period. While I was busy trying to make everything perfect in my life, I missed out on the majority of my children's childhood. I was emotionally unavailable. This makes my heart hurt more than anything. I was so busy trying to stay busy so that I didn't have to feel, there are large gaps of nothingness where there should be memories. I fear that I somehow have damaged my children emotionally because I was unavailable. Every child longs and needs to feel important. Their stability in life is based on this need.....I pray that I have not damaged them beyond repair. Of course, I may be dramatizing this way more than what it is......another obsession for another day.
Question number three: What are all of those blank pages about? The blank pages are the moments in my life that I know there should be something on the page, but all I come up with is nothing. These are the pages of all of the unknowns about why I am the way that I am. What event or circumstance led me to this place? I could continue to bumble through life without trying to fill up those blank pages, but within me is such a strong desire to put understanding to who I am. But in order to fill those blank pages, I have to look very deep into my very core and be really honest with myself. Am I really ready to face the truth? Am I really ready to understand? Am I really ready to take the risk of asking questions of people from my past? It is so much easier to allow that book to stay blank. But I am choosing, very slowly, to turn one page at a time and hopefully at the end I will find a beautiful ending.
Question number four: Why are there only chapter titles and not any stories? I always thought it would be interesting to write a book with just chapter titles and have people then write how they thought the story might be based on that title. Not sure that it would be a best seller though. Who wants to buy a book with just chapter titles? I compare this to how I think emotionally. I am able to handle just bits and pieces of what life hands me. I don't want the entire chapter. I would rather live in my fantasy world and not have to really think about what it is beyond that chapter title. Some of the chapter titles would be, "Larinda is Born", "Larinda is in a Panic", "Larinda is too Sensitive", "Larinda is out of Control".....get the gist? I am thinking that just the titles are all that I can handle emotionally. There is too much pain and emotion attached to the stories.
This is all that I can handle writing about today. I feel like I am on the verge of stepping off of a cliff. Too much, too fast. I feel like someone is going to push me over the edge. Maybe there is the key to why I am literally scared of heights....I feel the same way when I get beyond a place where I feel comfortable. New thoughts for a new day. Until next time.......
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